If you’ve seen my social media, and by that I mean only Instagram cause nobody has time for anything else, or if you’ve read my blogs lately then you know that I’ve been in a rut. Creatively and just in general, I feel stuck. And it sucks big time. And what I’m going to talk about might not seem like it’s related to design and art, but trust that it will circle back around.

So, back in the day, I used to love working out and I was skinny and had friends and life was carefree and fun and all that jazz. Of course that version of myself thought she had problems, but hindsight and all tells me that those weren’t real problems and younger me didn’t know how good she had it, blah, blah, blah. Younger me wouldn’t know what to do with current me’s life. She probably wouldn’t recognize it, truth be told. She would wander around and ask me, what the hell happened to us?

Here recently things have been getting me down. My house is overwhelming, my relationships are tricky, I’ve been stuck in my house for 2 years due to a pandemic, and, though wonderful, being a mom is not a cake walk (though there has been a lot of cake, which would explain why I’m not skinny anymore either). Basically I am looking around and asking myself, whaaaaaattt?

To be completely honest here in my own little corner of the Internet that very few people see, I’m struggling right now. I think we all go through seasons and my current season is…tough. And somehow, from somewhere, I am supposed to create beautiful things. How am I supposed to create beautiful things when I want to sit on my couch eating cheesecake and watching TV? Not a lot of inspiration there.

But today I ventured out of my bubble and went to the gym, which was a place that invigorated me in the past but not so much these days. I wandered around, confused about how to workout now that I’m fat (not being negative, just honest with myself). I wasn’t quite yet up to free weights (my old go-to), so instead I just walked the track for a bit. I walked and I listened to music and I kinda zoned out. And then a song came on, maybe Katy Perry, and I could see the mall and I realized that I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps or whatever. I’m falling into a yucky routine of just letting life happen to me and then wondering what’s happening and why? I eat awful food and don’t workout and then hate the fact that I’m fat. I’ve closed myself off from the outside world, telling myself it was because of a pandemic (which it mostly was), but now it’s time to venture back out and I need to get out there. I need to get a little more adventurous again. I have played the role of observer and minion in my tricky relationships, but I haven’t wanted to take the helm and navigate through the hard parts of the journey. And what I’ve struggled with the most here recently is I’ve allowed myself to fall flat in life and can’t seem to find my direction when it comes to art. I have really come to depend on creating over the last year and for it to be the hardest struggle is taking maybe the biggest toll.

So I made some decisions strolling around that track today. I joined Weight Watchers in the parking lot (which is what I know will work for me, regardless of the wider nutrition world’s opinion of it). I stopped at the grocery store and loaded up on fruit and veggies. I am committing to figuring out my interpersonal stuff and moving it forward, whatever that looks like. I’m going to go buy big black trashbags and KonMari the -F- out of my house this weekend. And for the first time in days, I’m sitting in my creative space while I write this. It’s not huge, but it’s a step and it will hopefully be followed by many, many more steps in the coming days.

I think this kick myself in my own pants kinda attitude is what I need when it comes to art too. There has to be some process out there somewhere that can help you over the humps, and I just need to figure out what that is. And this all got me thinking about what it looks like to take on art and creativity as a career. The stereotypical idea of an artist has always been someone who is passionate and finicky (though that is not necessarily the reality, of course) and someone who is so passionate about their vision they are willing to “starve” for their art. So what do you do when life seems to zap away the fountain of ideas? I think this career path, and any that require innovation and creativity daily, are unique in that there is a dependence there on the source (meaning me). It’s not like doing an assembly line task where you just repeat an action over and over again (though there are certainly challenges with those tasks when you’re feeling down too). So in the coming weeks and months, I want to focus on creative insurance. What can I do to help me maintain my inspiration and creative flow when I’m not feeling very flowy?

I’d love to hear your suggestions too. I can use all the help I can get!