Growing up I loved most things creative, but I wasn’t allowed to be creative - if that makes sense. I couldn’t make messes. I didn’t have supplies outside of a pencil and paper, and, as crazy as this may sound, I didn’t really understand how much you could do with just those supplies. So I observed creativity. I watched my grandmother sew. I loved Bob Ross. I used my crayons to design clothes. But I didn’t have the chance to get messy myself, and so, from the very beginning, I have just believed that being creative way beyond me.

I college I realized that I didn’t want to go into public relations, and so I toured some art schools. I love them, but was too scared to commit, which honestly was probably the right call. But something about being creative really called to me. A talented friend sat down with me and helped teach me to draw, and I was surprised by what I could do.

Since then I’ve tried my hand at drawing, but I have no formal training. I can look at things and see good composition and dynamic pieces, but I get lost when trying to make them myself. If it doesn’t come out right the first time I tell myself that it’s never going to come out right.

A few years ago I started dreaming about opening my own fabric store. I love fabric and art supplies. I set up my office so I can see my supplies, much like a store. But then a few years ago my dream began to evolve. I looked up what it was called to design fabric, and ever since then it’s been in the back of my head that maybe I could design fabric as well. And then this opportunity came up to take a class on surface pattern design and I found this thing I love.

But the thing is, I don’t know how to do this. Someone said that I’m in the place where my vision is outpacing my ability, and that is a frustrating place to be. I am in a place where I hate most things I draw. I am not creating patterns that are worth much. I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels. I don’t have a direction. I don’t have a style. I don’t know how to move forward. And a part of me wants to give up.

But I’m not going to. Because it’s hard to give up on the thing that you’ve found that you are passionate about. There is this thing that I know about now that doesn’t feel like work to me. And maybe, one day, I could actually get paid to do this thing. That’s the dream, right?

So I’m not going to give up. I’m going to double down. I’m going to learn all I can from the endless number of resources out there. I’m going to take classes on Skillshare, follow tutorials on YouTube, I’m going to draw every day. I have to push through this and find my way forward. Because to not do so makes me really sad to think about.